My Calling

Last weekend (23rd and 24th July, 2011) I went for my stay-in retreat for World Youth Day.
My sister (which was supposed to come with me) didn't attend.

She instead went for her school's "Officiation Day" - read about it in her blog.
And the next day, she went for a Choral Speaking Competiton in Subang Parade =/

If you know me pretty well, you'd know that I'm ridiculously shy and dread going to
any event alone. Especially if it's with people I don't know or I don't know well enough.

So I thought I was going to go to the retreat by myself; and be a loner there :(

Well, guess what? I don't know any of the people going for WYD well enough...
But once I was there... I spotted 2 XD (yesh, Brenda and Bibiana)

I wasn't alone after all! XD

For the first day, I stuck with Brenda for most of the day;
whilst the second day, I was with Bibiana (cause Brenda left me all alone :( lol jk jk)
Brenda had other plans on Sunday, so she didn't attend the Sunday session.

This was what the itinary (excluding the makan and break times) looked like...
The talks were something like this:
Life of Saints/Conversion Story > Importance of Prayer in Spiritual Growth >
Sin and Faith > *Holy Spirit and the Gifts of the Holy Spirit > Healing Session >
Sleep > Q & A about yesterday's session > Mass in St Anthony's church >
Healing Session II > Testimonies > Lunch > WYD reason to Madrid >
Travel Briefing > Pack & Go Home.

We were supposed to walk to St John's Church when the
Holy Spirit and the Gifts of the Holy Spirit session was held (that was the original plan)
But it began raining on Saturday night;
so that talk was brought forward to Saturady evening instead.

LOL! During that talk, I was SO damn freaking afraid of the Gift of Tongues.
Like seriously, I mean; fear was in my mind.

So many questions had ran through my head;
like...
1. The Holy Spirit is coming to my heart. I still have sins I need to confess; Imma not pure and
still have some minor sins that I'm not proud of (like I broke my promise):
2. OMGosh; what exactly is the Gift of Tongues; what if I get it; what is it? D:
3. What would God think of me and my lukewarm-ness?
(I mean, I don't care if I do or don't get the Gift of Tongues)
4. If I don't get the Gift of Tongues, what would that mean? I got rejected? D:
5. I don't want the Holy Spirit to come like this, I'm so scared D: D:

And in the end, I just decided to lift up EVERYTHING to God.
I mean, I don't even know what's going to happen; so it's fine.
Somewhere deep within me, I knew that my God loved me; but my whole being didn't want to
accept that. I guess I was more afraid of God.

When the Healing Session came; I was prayed over and did my best to remain calm...
And I just felt like a small prompting to fall, so I did; I just fell XD
(yes, Michele! I fell; someone caught me)

I waited and waited to see if God was going to speak to me.
I wondered if He was going to see through me and tell me something
(I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear)

The speaker in front had the Gift of Word of Knowledge, so he was saying stuff like:
"There's 5 people here who has unforgiveness in their hearts..."
"There's 4 people here who..."
"There's 7 people here who..."

And all I did was wait. I waited for something that he might say that refered to me;
or something that God wanted to tell me.

I kept quiet, calm and peaceful while all around me were drama and drama and drama.
Cause there were crying and crying and sobbing and there's this lady who wailed,
"I don't want to do this! I don't want to! You're asking too much of me, Jesus; too much!"

I knew I was getting distracted just by listening to all the crying; but I couldn't help it =/

In the end, sorta felt this thought came (the presence was soooo tiny, but I guess it was okay)
"I forgive you"

My response was: Okay! *smiles*
But errr... I don't really remember if it was me thinking it or
it really was a thought sent from the above =/

Ah well XD

After the healing session, we were told to pray at the makeshift altar to God before picking
up a paper from the 2 bowls in front. One bowl had yellow paper, the other was pink.

So I knelt and told God,
"I'm here Lord, and I'm listening. Please give me the grace to listen to you from the paper..."
Well, it was about 5 minutes, before I took the paper.

I took the yellow one and walked to the back to read it (it was dark since they turned of the lights)
You know the paper was like 1 inch wide. I thought that was normal as the lines in the paper were
probably just 2 or 3 lines.

But no... it had 9 lines.

9 LINES! WOAH!

"Ask yourselves, young people, about the love of Christ. Acknowledge His voice
resounding in the temple of your heart. Return His bright and penetrating glance which
opens the paths of your life to the horizons of the Church’s mission. It is a taxing
mission, today more than ever, to teach men the truth about themselves, about their end,
their destiny, and to show faithful souls the unspeakable riches of the love of Christ. Do
not be afraid of the radicalness of His demands, because Jesus, who loved us first, is
prepared to give Himself to you, as well as asking of you. If He asks much of you, it is
because He knows you can give much."
— Pope John Paul II (The Meaning of Vocation)

Okay, after I read it, I wondered what it meant. =/
I mean, do you get it after reading? Neither did I.
But after I read the last word ("vocation"), I started to freak out.

Like, WHAT?
God, are you calling me to be a nun? D:
I think you know that I know that you know that I can't be a nun.
I'm not nun material!
But I sighed, and reread the quote and told him solemnly,
"I'd rather not be a nun, but if you *really* *really* *really* willed me to be a nun, I'd do it.
For your sake."

Then I read the quote a few times more, doing my best to
find from the quote that gave this message from God:
LOL, Breena, I'm not calling you to be a nun!

Of course, I didn't find it. Stupid me x.x
As I was puzzling over this, one of the speakers said,
"Guys, you are supposed to take 2 papers, the yellow one and the pink one."

Okay; so I went again and knelt and prayed (more properly this time) for an answer.
I took the pink paper and opened it.

It said, "Luke 18:1".
When I opened my bible, I landed right on the page with Luke 18:1.

"Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to teach them that they should always pray and never become discouraged."

Aha; that wasn't an answer, but okay. I guess I have no choice but to pray for it.

So I went to sleep after that.
I still want to tell you about the Healing Session the next day;
but I don't want to let you read too much words and get dizzy XD

So tata for now~