Got up on an okay note.
When to do the things needed to do.
Reminded myself to be quiet, silent.
To not speak, as my speech itself brought a lot of problems lately.
That and uncontrolled emotions would bring a lot of blows...
plus Mum's leaving today, so yeah x.x
in Madrid, Spain!
*whistles*
Wah.
Mum was happy, she said she wanted [us] to go.
That was when she made me apologize to Dad.
In public.
Not that I had anything against it, just that...
I say sorry ady, then just accept la =.=
I dunno how my face is supposed to look like when I say sorry.
Sad face? Upset face? Unsure face?
Is there anything called "sincere" face? "sorry" face?
I don't have those faces...
since I rarely make other people angry...
Sincere dao, say not sincere... =.=
*haiz*
Have it your way la.
So went to the retreat again, and then paid attention to what the speaker said.
He pointed out that a good disciple of Christ must be "clean" in his SPEECH.
As in, he can set a good example of being a disciple of Christ in his Speech.
Ouch.
That is what I normally fail at.
I don't mean it, but certain things I say makes people think that I'm insulting them,
or sometimes I say wrong things during the right situations to cause a rift between people.
Or maybe others are too sensitive.
I don't know.
The main thing I wanted to say was,
After the Praise and Worship sessions, there were times when those with the
Gift of Tongues started Praising God.
Strangely, at the end of the session, when they started praising God, I felt a thought, or a need, that said,
"BE STILL."
It was hard to be still when others were praising God.
I felt like telling them to be still.
[Of course I didn't do that]
Then there was this healing session.
Where we prayed, worshipped, and felt the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
My experience?
After the praying and the worshipping, there were about 5 people who came and prayed over us.
One guy came and prayed over me.
It was a little noisy, but I could hear his voice somewhere a little faraway.
That was when I felt a force in front of me, pushing my head back...
Or maybe my head felt light-headed so it wanted to fall back?
The feeling continued even when his hand left my head and went to pray over someone else.
As he was praying over that person, I heard him, and it felt as though he was still anointing me.
I don't know.
But what I know is that I was falling back, and back and back and back...
and I righted myself up again.
And I was falling back and back and back and back...
and I righted myself again just in time before falling.
The cycle repeated, and I was asking God if I was to just fall.
A few responses came.
First a Scripture verse came to my head;
"Anyone who FALLS on the stone..." - Luke 20:18
I almost let myself go,
but when I realized what I was doing,
I righted myself again,
afraid of falling backwards
afraid of hitting my head as well
afraid of hitting into others standing behind me
[quite a few people].
I asked the Lord if he really wanted me to fall...
and a story came to my mind where a man, who, after falling from a cliff,
and hanging on a branch jutting out from the cliff,
calls out to Heaven, "God, if you're there, please HELP ME!"
And God replied, "LET GO."
The message ended there,
[ but if you want to know the ending, the man had called out, "ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?!"]
By this time, I looked behind to see if I could land safely, but I decided I can't.
[What kind of Christian I was? I couldn't trust God completely x.x]
I mean, it was obvious, right?
God wanted me to FALL.
Meanwhile, I was still going to fall, and a facilitator came and asked me if I was alright.
I told her I felt like falling.
She helped me "fall".
And once I was on the ground, I could hear the music, someone to my right crying loudly [sis said that person was praising God, but I didn't hear that. I only heard that person cry very sadly and loudly]
And how I had wished that it was just quiet then.
That there would be no music,
no crying,
no chanting.
Nothing, but absolute silence.
Of course, it was not possible, given my circumstance, so instead, I told God
that I was on the ground now, so...
"Speak Lord, your servant is listening."
And did my best to "be still"
Sometime later, before we were told to pray again, I had this thought entering my head, something I managed to snatch from a possible sentence whilst the charismatic noises around me.
"LOVE"
Okay, Lord.
What does this mean?
But no answer came to me.
Nevermind.
And it was after that that I was really happy.
Like, WOAH!
I felt God's power.
I knew it was not me that was making me fall; but GOD.
There was a backward force pushing my head back,
but it caused no pain. And I knew then on, what it was.
It was amazing to know that God was real.
Not just in the Bible, but to feel Him, to know that He exists.
To tell the truth, I was a little afraid that I might not feel Him.
But I was glad, and happy, and joyful.
I know now that my God truly, wonderfully, ultimately exists,
and He has this immense LOVE for me.
Thank you Lord.
I want to experience more time and moments with you...
and also to hear more of your voice.
And I realized, this retreat would not have meant anything if I were not angry with my parents.
Because I was hurt too, [that's why I was upset], I had a desire to seek God.
After all, isn't this what retreats are all about?
Seeking God?
Detaching yourself?
Yeah.
Life for me what becoming pious...
and the Pharisees, believing that they were pious, crucified the Lord Jesus Christ.
x.x
Ouch.
Of course, I didn't acknowledge my own sins and thought that I was better [for a reason]
and that's pride.
One of the 7 deadly sins.
Ouch.
This was probably why God brought me down to eat humble pie...
and in eating humble pie, I felt God.
It was amazing...
Thank you Lord.
Praise you Lord.
Glory to you, O Lord.
