My Calling II

So I left off after I went to sleep.

Before I continued what happened after I woke up, I want to say this first:
The first time I was prayed over and fell, (last year) there was this one word that came to me:

LOVE.

Of course that time I didn't know what exactly it meant.
But I knew that it was important.

Now, moving on XD

So, I woke up, showered, ate, praised and worshiped, and then we had a Q&A session.
That session was conducted by the speaker who spoke about the Holy Spirit and his gifts.

But more importantly, on any questions on the Gift of Tongues.
I guess it was to make sure that people don't freak out on the Gift of Tongues, you know.
Like how I was super freaked out the day before.
But you know what?

Since I got Luke 18:1, I decided that I needed the Gift of Tongues
(cause I heard it helps you to pray better XD)

So I had decided that the next time the Holy Spirit is invoked, I'd ask for this Gift.
I honestly thought it would be like... a few more months before the next healing session;
but MANA TAU, it was right after breakfast after MORNING MASS.

Wow.

Talk about speed.
So what happened during the healing session?

We all praised God again,
and the speaker recommended that if we wanted the Gift of Tongues,
we should just repeat "Alleluia" and not control our mouths too much.

After we praised God, he started speaking in tongues;
so I thought, "Time to say Alleluia."

I did, I went from "Alleluia. Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, luia, lu, lu, lu..." o.o

I was thinking, "Alleluia", but my mouth said, "lululululalaulu..."
So okay...

Then I said, "Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ!" in my mind, and it still came out
"lululululalalauluul...."

So I was convinced that I HAD the Gift of Tongues now *Praise be to God!!* :D

Okay, so then I was prayed over, and fell. XD
Again, it wasn't like a very forceful force, just a slight prompting only.
I just released, and I fell XD

Seriously, I lied down on the ground for quite some time, and listened to my surroundings.
Again, the speaker was saying things like,
"There's 3 people here..."
"There's 6 people here..."

I honestly waited for the speaker to say,
"There's 1 person here who is called for vocation. God wants you to know that..."

To tell you the truth;
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
I waited, resting in the Spirit, listening to the drama (yes, it happened again).

And I wondered why the drama was still happening...
It happened again yesterday, didn't it?
So weird o.o

So I was peacefully on the ground for a good amount of time,
until the lady in front of me was prayed over, and she fell
(cause her head accidentally touched my shoes, so I jerked up and sat, cross-legged instead)

We continued being praising God and worshipping him while sitting.
Then the speaker asked if anyone wanted to affirm whether they had the Gift of Tongues.

Honestly speaking, I knew it was the Gift of Tongues, I didn't need affirmation.
No one stood up, until the lady in front of me stood up, then only did I stand.

So I was prayed over again and told to "let go" and let the Holy Spirit take charge. XD

It wasn't long until I was "lulululu-ing" all the way again.
I heard the person *it was a guy, I think, I don't remember =.=* say,
"Thank you God for giving your Daughter the Gift of Tongues..."
and I felt that force push me again until I fell XD

This time, I lay down and mediated on the verbs I studied on the quote I received yesterday.
"Ask, love of Christ, acknowledge..."

Then I saw myself *this not a vision. I think it's my mind/Holy Spirit helping me to connect better*
at the foot of the cross (cause we were praising God with "Worthy is the Lamb")
and the Lord Jesus was up there, and I felt a thought:

"See how much the love of Christ; willing to bear many scars to die on the Cross."

-This wasn't exactly the right words; but then again, the thought was a message sort of feeling,
and it wasn't entirely in words.

I was SOOO EXCITED that God finally talked to me, that I stood up and immediately sang to him.

And while we were singing praises,
the speaker called for the facilitators to go around for a quick praying over (one two minutes)...
when my turn came *no surprises here* I fell again.

Then while in peace, I called this thought to God, and we then had a mini-conversation
(or so I believe)

Me: Oh, sorry God. You didn't finish talking did you?

God: No.

Me: Sorry :(

All around me were people crying (drama, again). I was caught surprised.

Me: There's still so much hurt left not healed? How come they can't feel this peace I'm feeling?

God: Not everyone feels this peace you feel, Breena. They haven't gone through the same experience you feel. There's so much hurt deep inside of them.

Me: Lord Jesus (cause I kinda see Him on the Cross), why don't you let them know that you are taking their pain on the Cross/heal them?

Lord Jesus: How can I? I'm tied up on the Cross... and it's not restricted to this room; there are so many more out there, who aren't here; much less able to feel this peace you feel...

Me: I'll go, Lord. I'll be your hands and feet... but I don't have the experience of extreme sadness, or hurt like the people around me for you to heal me so that I can bear witness to your healing...

Lord Jesus: I'll be with you...

With that, our convo ended.
I was super happy cause I finally discovered what my vocation was, and it's...

NOT CALLING ME TO BE A NUN!!!
WOO HOO!!! :D :D

Uh, okay :x
So, now I know what God wants me to do...
Where does this go? I don't know.
To be honest,
I'm thinking about just relaxing and letting God to take over my life when the time comes.

But I know that I can't do that.
I'm to "always pray and never be discouraged." Luke 18:1 (Good News version)

So, I've decided. My next step will come in Madrid.
I'm actually planning to get closer to God,
cause I wanna feel His presence and get to know him more on a personal level 8D

Oh Lord, I'm in your hands :D

-EDITED-
Actually, when I sit back and think about it more deeply,
God was at the retreat the whole time.

Patiently waiting for the time to speak to me.
I know I like to read situations (especially if it happens around me)
and think of it as God speaking to me.

In my head, it really makes up of the times when God doesn't use His voice.
Actually, there's a dream of a snake that I had not too long ago (last week?)
But I'll save that for later XD

Okay. SUMMARY XD

You see, I thought that I'd be such a loner at this camp...
Well, guess what?
With so many people talking to me, plus with Brenda and Bibiana to keep me company...
I had no time to even think of the word "loner" after the program started.

Then, came the Gift of Tongues anxiety attack (I think that is the name of the fear)
Until I surrendered and let the Holy Spirit do His work...
Then I decided I needed the Gift of Tongues.

After that, there was a surprise Healing Session II.
I tell you, this Healing Session II would not have taken place
*IF* it didn't rain on Saturday evening to prevent us from going to church.
If the Healing Session II didn't take place, I wouldn't have gotten my answers
from the quote and I wouldn't get the Gift of Tongues.

Also, before this, I was going to Madrid without a solid reason.
There wasn't a real purpose of me going to Madrid...
I wasn't going there to look for God in WYD.
But after the retreat, and my vocation calling (which I so strongly believe)
I know what my reason to go Madrid is, and I can't wait! :D

Before the retreat begun, I wanted to eat Thosai with my family...
and I ended up eating 2 thosais by myself *omgosh! so bloated!!*
And then when lunch time came, we played the Handicap Lunch.
And I have never been so grateful to God for being so bloated,
cause with the little I ate; I was still super full!

To end with this summary,
I really felt as though God was there, and I had so much fun with God there XD

Also... one of the facilitators had mentioned that God had checked out the retreat area
before allowing us to use it.

And I thought that He wasn't just checking out that place,
He was also there during the retreat, making sure that everything went according to
His plan.

Isn't He an awesome God?
Okay, I'll stop for now :x

Praise be to you, Lord Jesus Christ!

My Calling

Last weekend (23rd and 24th July, 2011) I went for my stay-in retreat for World Youth Day.
My sister (which was supposed to come with me) didn't attend.

She instead went for her school's "Officiation Day" - read about it in her blog.
And the next day, she went for a Choral Speaking Competiton in Subang Parade =/

If you know me pretty well, you'd know that I'm ridiculously shy and dread going to
any event alone. Especially if it's with people I don't know or I don't know well enough.

So I thought I was going to go to the retreat by myself; and be a loner there :(

Well, guess what? I don't know any of the people going for WYD well enough...
But once I was there... I spotted 2 XD (yesh, Brenda and Bibiana)

I wasn't alone after all! XD

For the first day, I stuck with Brenda for most of the day;
whilst the second day, I was with Bibiana (cause Brenda left me all alone :( lol jk jk)
Brenda had other plans on Sunday, so she didn't attend the Sunday session.

This was what the itinary (excluding the makan and break times) looked like...
The talks were something like this:
Life of Saints/Conversion Story > Importance of Prayer in Spiritual Growth >
Sin and Faith > *Holy Spirit and the Gifts of the Holy Spirit > Healing Session >
Sleep > Q & A about yesterday's session > Mass in St Anthony's church >
Healing Session II > Testimonies > Lunch > WYD reason to Madrid >
Travel Briefing > Pack & Go Home.

We were supposed to walk to St John's Church when the
Holy Spirit and the Gifts of the Holy Spirit session was held (that was the original plan)
But it began raining on Saturday night;
so that talk was brought forward to Saturady evening instead.

LOL! During that talk, I was SO damn freaking afraid of the Gift of Tongues.
Like seriously, I mean; fear was in my mind.

So many questions had ran through my head;
like...
1. The Holy Spirit is coming to my heart. I still have sins I need to confess; Imma not pure and
still have some minor sins that I'm not proud of (like I broke my promise):
2. OMGosh; what exactly is the Gift of Tongues; what if I get it; what is it? D:
3. What would God think of me and my lukewarm-ness?
(I mean, I don't care if I do or don't get the Gift of Tongues)
4. If I don't get the Gift of Tongues, what would that mean? I got rejected? D:
5. I don't want the Holy Spirit to come like this, I'm so scared D: D:

And in the end, I just decided to lift up EVERYTHING to God.
I mean, I don't even know what's going to happen; so it's fine.
Somewhere deep within me, I knew that my God loved me; but my whole being didn't want to
accept that. I guess I was more afraid of God.

When the Healing Session came; I was prayed over and did my best to remain calm...
And I just felt like a small prompting to fall, so I did; I just fell XD
(yes, Michele! I fell; someone caught me)

I waited and waited to see if God was going to speak to me.
I wondered if He was going to see through me and tell me something
(I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear)

The speaker in front had the Gift of Word of Knowledge, so he was saying stuff like:
"There's 5 people here who has unforgiveness in their hearts..."
"There's 4 people here who..."
"There's 7 people here who..."

And all I did was wait. I waited for something that he might say that refered to me;
or something that God wanted to tell me.

I kept quiet, calm and peaceful while all around me were drama and drama and drama.
Cause there were crying and crying and sobbing and there's this lady who wailed,
"I don't want to do this! I don't want to! You're asking too much of me, Jesus; too much!"

I knew I was getting distracted just by listening to all the crying; but I couldn't help it =/

In the end, sorta felt this thought came (the presence was soooo tiny, but I guess it was okay)
"I forgive you"

My response was: Okay! *smiles*
But errr... I don't really remember if it was me thinking it or
it really was a thought sent from the above =/

Ah well XD

After the healing session, we were told to pray at the makeshift altar to God before picking
up a paper from the 2 bowls in front. One bowl had yellow paper, the other was pink.

So I knelt and told God,
"I'm here Lord, and I'm listening. Please give me the grace to listen to you from the paper..."
Well, it was about 5 minutes, before I took the paper.

I took the yellow one and walked to the back to read it (it was dark since they turned of the lights)
You know the paper was like 1 inch wide. I thought that was normal as the lines in the paper were
probably just 2 or 3 lines.

But no... it had 9 lines.

9 LINES! WOAH!

"Ask yourselves, young people, about the love of Christ. Acknowledge His voice
resounding in the temple of your heart. Return His bright and penetrating glance which
opens the paths of your life to the horizons of the Church’s mission. It is a taxing
mission, today more than ever, to teach men the truth about themselves, about their end,
their destiny, and to show faithful souls the unspeakable riches of the love of Christ. Do
not be afraid of the radicalness of His demands, because Jesus, who loved us first, is
prepared to give Himself to you, as well as asking of you. If He asks much of you, it is
because He knows you can give much."
— Pope John Paul II (The Meaning of Vocation)

Okay, after I read it, I wondered what it meant. =/
I mean, do you get it after reading? Neither did I.
But after I read the last word ("vocation"), I started to freak out.

Like, WHAT?
God, are you calling me to be a nun? D:
I think you know that I know that you know that I can't be a nun.
I'm not nun material!
But I sighed, and reread the quote and told him solemnly,
"I'd rather not be a nun, but if you *really* *really* *really* willed me to be a nun, I'd do it.
For your sake."

Then I read the quote a few times more, doing my best to
find from the quote that gave this message from God:
LOL, Breena, I'm not calling you to be a nun!

Of course, I didn't find it. Stupid me x.x
As I was puzzling over this, one of the speakers said,
"Guys, you are supposed to take 2 papers, the yellow one and the pink one."

Okay; so I went again and knelt and prayed (more properly this time) for an answer.
I took the pink paper and opened it.

It said, "Luke 18:1".
When I opened my bible, I landed right on the page with Luke 18:1.

"Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to teach them that they should always pray and never become discouraged."

Aha; that wasn't an answer, but okay. I guess I have no choice but to pray for it.

So I went to sleep after that.
I still want to tell you about the Healing Session the next day;
but I don't want to let you read too much words and get dizzy XD

So tata for now~

Ultimate Wheels

Okay, it's fine if you guys say that I'm over-obessing with Kat-tun.

But I don't care :D :D
The first video I showed you of Ultimate Wheels was a remixed version on Youtube;
I would have liked to show you the real music vid, but I couldn't find it...

So here it is! :D
*It doesn't only show the real vid, but also the lyrics and its translation, woo hoo!! :D


Ultimate Wheels [english subs + romaji] from JKLover501 on Vimeo.

BTW; it's password protected for obvious reasons :P
Password: superstar

copy paste if you must :D

Credits & thanks to JKLover501 for the video; wootsss!! :D :D
btw, if you like Korean/Japanese music [esp boy/girl bands],
you should totally check her blog out! XD
Maybe you'll find something you like :o

Anyways, after watching this video, I realized that Junno didn't only do a double backflip,
but also a cartwheel with one hand.

ONE HAND! ♥♥♥

Tell me when I'm going to stop loving his awesome acrobatic abilities! :D
Oh wait. Nevurrrr!! XD